The Lifeboat is Sinking by V. Gordon

This journey has taken me from knowing my father as someone who was disrespectful, not only to my mother, but to me and pretty much most of his family. He was a person who was self-centered, self-absorbed, narcissistic, and just really didn't want to be around. It seems like I missed a whole lifetime of him because now he's someone that needs direction, monitoring, coaxing, and encouragement. And it's hard for me to process everything involved in being his caregiver because there are so many unresolved feelings I have because of our past. It's frustrating because in his current state, I know that none of those issues will be resolved. So basically, I have to work through everything on my own with the help of a therapist, being able to vent to some friends or family members, and push through it because at the end of the day, I still have to be his caregiver and care for him. Then this position just adds to the daily frustrations of life. There's been a lot of resentment because I feel that I was just entering into that phase of living my best life. I had taken care of my mother when she was ill. I had raised my son with the help of an amazing village. I had put in the work, and now it feels like I'm stuck and starting all over again to get back to this place. And with the uncertainty of a dementia diagnosis, everyone knows that it can either transition quickly or it can linger. And not knowing how long I'm going to be in this season, I'm faced with the challenge of giving my all to my father without losing myself. Prior to taking care of him, I was everything to everyone and had truly lost who I was. I was Marion's daughter, Brandon's mommy, this person's cousin, that person's niece, this person's coworker, friend, whatever role I fit in, I played it. And on this new journey for me, it feels as if me finding myself has been stripped away. But I can't allow that to define me, or I can't allow that to happen. I have to do what is necessary to maintain my identity. It's a struggle, but I'm going to make it.

I'm going to continue to seek support and take care of myself, even as I care for my father. It's a delicate balance, but I refuse to lose myself in this process. I'm determined to find a way to carve out time for me, to rediscover who I am outside of the roles I've played for others. It's not going to be easy, and I know there will be challenges along the way, but I refuse to let this be the end of my journey to self-discovery and fulfillment.

I've come this far, and I won't allow the current circumstances to hold me back. I'll continue to lean on my therapist, friends, and family for support, and I'll keep pushing through the frustrations and uncertainties. I refuse to let this become my identity. This is just a phase, and I'll come out of it stronger and more determined than ever to live my best life. I refuse to be defined solely by my caregiving responsibilities. This is just a chapter in my story, and I'm ready to turn the page and see what lies ahead.